you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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