I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
