i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
