I'm so fucking centered right now
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
