I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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