need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
