I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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