I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
