I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
