So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
