Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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