Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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