Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
