Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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