I can text with my tongue
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
