I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
