ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
