The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
