just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
