apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
