Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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