i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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