Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
