im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
How's work?
Spinning.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
