i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
