my phone needs a breathalizer
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize