I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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