i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She's the barista slut.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
