as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
