I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
