It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
