Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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