Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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