He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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