you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
