Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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