There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
