literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
two words: eviction party
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
