I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
