Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
