Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
