Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
