i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
