i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
