I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
