I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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