just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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