I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
