dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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