I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
